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Reading zombie fiction is a cathartic release for pent up anger and frustration.  We often feel powerless to the day to day grind of our lives.   Instead of succumbing to monotonous reality, just imagine an upcoming exam, ex lover or annoying boss as a zombie….And you the valiant zombie killing protagonist generating some serious zombie carnage…feel better? Only zombie fiction would allow you to fantasize about using a Minigun prosthetic leg or modified chainsaw arm to slaughter enemies. But lets get real, if a zombie apocalypse did ever happen, then the romanticized weapons of zombie fiction may not be the best choices.  Choosing the right weapon is essential for surviving the zombie apacolypse!   Let's imagine you are a zombie hunter in Vermont.... Whats your weapon?


Bludgeons:

The melodramatic teens from This is not a Test use baseball bats from their gymnasium.   Nice choice, very light weight and easy to use, but is an aluminum bat durable?  How many zombie could they kill before the bat crumples? You need extreme force to land a deadly blow…something that will not only fracture the skull, but damage the brain.  Actually, anybody know how much brain damage it takes to kill a zombie?  Do you have to destroy the cortex to inhibit voluntary movement?  A hammer or lead pipe might work out well, but they have a limited reach.  Being an arms length away from a zombie is too close for me. 

Arrow:

Inspired by the walking dead I took an archery lesson last semester so I could be more like badass Darryl Dixon.  Let me tell you, firing a crossbow is very difficult.  I could barley hit the target in a relaxed environment let alone if a bloodthirsty zombie was running towards me. Crossbows and long/compound bows are great for long distance, silent attacks, but accuracy might be an issue here, unless you are an experienced archer….  And what happens if you get caught in a closed space….you wouldn’t be able to stretch your arm far enough before the zombie gets you. 


Bladed weapons:

Sharp edges allow for a diverse set of attack moves…hack, slash, stab, chop….ect.  You could even disable a zombie by cutting off a limb or jaw. As stated by Clio in Happy Zombie Surnise Home, “Decapitation is conventionally assumed to be the coup de grace, though I myself take off the arms and legs just to make sure.”  However, connecting with your zombie target with a thin blade may be difficult. What happens if your blade is embedded in the target?


Firearms:

I’m no gun expert, but I’ll take a shot at this topic…Well,  you got your small lightweight pistol…Probably effective at close range, but good luck shooting a tiny zombie head from far away.  A rifle is great for range and rapid fire, but for someone who has never fired a gun before, it may be too easy to get a little trigger happy…Before you know it all of your ammunition is gone.  Shot guns will do some serious damage…definitely won’t leave a nice clean bullet hole like the rifle will. If zombie are attracted to noise, as seen in the show The Walking Dead, a loud gunshot may not be the best idea.  Killing one zombie with a pistol, may attract 10 more zombies. 


Miscellaneous:

The flamethrower: heavy…cumbersome…And if zombies don’t feel pain, then  setting the bugger on fire isn’t going to do much.  Explosives might seem pretty unnecessary for killing a single zombie, but it could be a life saver against a massive horde.



As a citizen and average Joe, I don’t think I could use a weapon properly even if I somehow managed to scrounge one up.   Ranger Rick from the Walking Dead just makes using a gun and knife too damn easy.   As much as I love to fantasize about joining a Disposal Zquad, I am way more content watching others battle zombies on TV rather than actually battling the zombies myself. 





Other thoughts on weapon choices?  What’s the most practical zombie weapon?   What’s the coolest zombie weapon?

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8 Responses so far.

  1. Unknown says:

    you bring up a good point here about the average Joe; perhaps in a perfect world I'd like to use a gun or a bow as a weapon, but if we're talking about the real me, then I wouldn't (or couldn't) be capable of using either of those. what about some kind of spear? nice long handle to keep the zombies at bay, but with a big ol' knife on the end. or i wonder if a taser would work, or how (if?) it would affect a zombie's central nervous system

  2. Unknown says:

    I'm so impressed that you took an archery lesson - I also really want to be a badass like Daryl with a crossbow. It always looked like the best option to me because it's quiet and effective but you bring up some really good points.

  3. Unknown says:

    Personally, I've always leaned toward the wooden baseball bat as one of my first weapons of choice: pretty heavy, reaping serious damage to any undead head it's coming into contact, and I always liked to think that if it splintered I could do one last poor bastard of a zombie in with the remaining end of splintered bat. I mean, I've seen enough Friday the 13th films to know you can impale somebody with just about anything ... right?

    Well, maybe, just in case, you know, that little bit of horror knowledge were not to hold true, I'd probably need a back up weapon. Here I'm thinking something sharp. A machete sounds pretty appealing. Big enough to do some serious damage, whether full decap. or just an incapacitating impromptu amputation; light enough to weld, carry, even sling over your shoulder with the help of some rope or string; and it seems like it could do you at least half decent in a horde scenario. Granted, like the bat you still need enough room to swing to really do lethal damage, but backed up against a wall you might still be able to amputate a few arms or legs to make an escape.

  4. osezno says:

    I took archery in high school. The first shot I made, I ended up with with a terri-bad, bruised welt along my forearm, but I made a bullseye. Probably not the best choice for a ranged weapon since arrows are more cumbersome to carry a bunch around, but there is the pro of being able to collect them once it's all over if you aren't swarmed.

    That last picture makes me think that Maul's double-bladed saber would be really awesome for zombie melee. It's pretty OP in Battlefront II, but not quite available to the average Joe.

  5. frankie says:

    Interesting post. I wonder if people would invent weapons for dealing with and killing zombies? It could be cool to have some sort of gun that would have no way of making an error and would only shoot directly for the brains. But I guess that would make life just too easy.

  6. I was going to fire off a comment about crossbows being easier to aim but taking longer to load than bows... but then I decided to do some research. (Pro tip: always do research before trying to sound like you know something on the interwebs. People will smack you down with lightning speed when you're wrong. And even sometimes when you're right. Anyway.)

    WOW are crossbows expensive! Good compound bows are expensive, too, but they're nowhere near as expensive as crossbows. ALSO, and this is important, you can get crossbows that compressed-CO2 autocock (it's not as dirty as it sounds, I think) your crossbow in 2 seconds. Which is not a bad time at all.

    All of which is to say that when the zombie apocalypse hits, you'd better hope: 1) your local sporting goods mega-box-store is well-stocked; and 2) that your looting skills are finely honed... because everyone's gonna want one (or 4) of the semi-auto crossbows.

    But back to the post and the other comments -- ammo (even arrows and bolts) is a limited commodity. I'm with Josh on the baseball bat, though I prefer aluminum because it has less chance of breaking or splintering (and if you've ever cleaned raw meat off a wooden cutting board you can appreciate the ease of cleaning contaminated zombie goo off an aluminum bat). I was tempted to go with Half Life's trusty crowbar, but they're too thin to feel comfortable in my big hands, and the curve at the end (while doing admirable damage) also makes them a little unbalanced for precision damage.

    Don't ask me how I know that.

  7. Miles says:

    If there was a zombie apocalypse my weapon of first choice would be a machete. They are longer than a knife but not as long or cumbersome as a sword of longer blade. They are also very thick and durable which means they could cut through a lot of zombies and be re-sharpened plenty of times. Machete's also have a good weight to them, so you can cut easier with less force. It would be ideal for moving through thick wooded areas and carving any type of spear of other weapon as well.

  8. Unknown says:

    After reading World War Z I think it is important to thrown in the Lobotomizer. Seemingly easy to make, effective, and has good leverage. If anything an oldschool axe would be my first choice. Although you are only a little more than an arms length away, it is silent, durable, and forceful with an almost guaranteed kill when used properly.

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